


Grand Theft Octopus

by Mraowface



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aquariums, Fluff, M/M, Octopus Theft, Tentacles, You Can't Take Crowley Anywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 10:03:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20964731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mraowface/pseuds/Mraowface
Summary: During a trip to the local aquarium, Crowley absolutely does not steal a cephalopod and temporarily rehome it in their bathtub...  Because that would be the Wrong thing to do





	Grand Theft Octopus

Crowley yawned as he walked around the aquarium. So far there'd been a severe lack of sharks or piranhas. Aziraphale had been charmed by the angel fish though, so the day hadn't been a total loss.

They stopped in front of a near-empty tank. “What's wrong with that octopus?” Crowley asked, pointing to the corner. The octopus was hunched in on itself, clearly trying to take up as little space as possible.

“Oh, that's Houdini,” said a bored employee. “He's sulking. We finally blocked up all the escape routes out of his tank.”

The demon's eyes narrowed. He went up close to the tank, and spoke. “They keeping you prisoner in there?” He paused, apparently listening. “Angel, we have to help him! _He's so bored!”_

“Crowley, what exactly are you proposing?”

“A rescue mission! I finally understand the importance of doing good in the world, thanks to your... ethereal influence??”

“You want to steal the octopus.”

“No! Absolutely not... Only slightly. We'll be _liberating_ him – he's being held prisoner!”

“We are _absolutely not_ stealing that octopus!”

“But-”

“No!”

Crowley sulked. _“Fine._ Let's just get on, look at those turtles...” He hastily ushered Aziraphale along.

They meandered along, occasionally stopping to examine a tank of fish. Then Aziraphale stopped, and turned to the demon.

“Crowley...”

“Yes?”

“Why is your jacket dripping?”

“It is?”

Aziraphale glared at Crowley, who swiftly looked up at the ceiling.

“I think that kid spilled a drink on me.” He pointed at a (probably) innocent child.

“You stole that octopus.”

“No! I said I wouldn't! You explicitly said I was not to steal the octopus, so I didn't.”

“_Crowley...”_

“Ok fine, I stole the octopus.” Crowley paused to tuck in a stray tentacle. “But I _had_ to. Houdini loves crab meat, and they stopped him getting into the next door tank! Imagine if someone were to deprive you of sushi...” He looked hopefully at the angel.

“Well, I'm having no part of this,” snapped Aziraphale. “You're on your own with this one.”

They both turned as the same man from before started marching towards Crowley with a “Hey, you!” Crowley hastily hid behind the angel.

Aziraphale huffed, as it became clear that Crowley was leaving things up to him. He waved a hand, and the fire alarm screeched into action, with accompanying sprinklers. “Come _along_ dear,” he said, grasping Crowley's arm and escorting him to the exit.

“Mind the tentacles!”

****

Back at home, Crowley had commandeered the bathtub, and was deep in conversation with the octopus.

“Ok, bit more hot? Great. Now, do we need to add more salt?”

“Dearest, can I have a word?” Aziraphale said through gritted teeth.

Crowley happily followed his angel to the bedroom, having convinced the bath water that terrible things would happen should it choose not to retain its perfect cephalopod temperature.

“_How long are we having that creature in the bathtub?”_

“Oh, um... few days? Maybe a week? I promised Houdini I'd do some research, set him up nicely somewhere out in the world. The bathtub's only temporary, it's far too small, I know that!”

“_Hmm...”_

****

Despite Aziraphale's grouchiness, he still went down to the shop to look out some books to help with the research. Crowley had popped out to the fishmonger's with a bucket and a determined look in his eye.

When the shop bell next jingled, Aziraphale had no need of looking up to know that Crowley had returned. The unfortunate smell he brought with him was clue enough.

“Look how many crabs I got! The fishmonger just happened to have a mega catch this morning.”

“Get them out of here! Crowley dear, I will put up with a lot of things from you, but stinking my shop out with fish is not one of them.”

Crowley sighed and made his way upstairs, muttering about them being crabs, not fish.

Once the demon had fed his new friend (who thoroughly approved of the new cuisine) and added a few bits of seaweed and sand he'd picked up into the tub, he wandered back downstairs via the kitchen.

“Angel, I made you something.” He handed over a plate of freshly dressed crab salad.

Aziraphale's face melted. “All is forgiven.”

They settled down on the sofa, Aziraphale with his salad and Crowley with the pile of books. After a while Crowley fetched a pen, and started making notes.

****

“Ok, so this is Africa,” said Crowley, pointing at the atlas. “Now I read that _octopus vulgaris_ can also live here in Europe... Huh?” The demon paused. “No, I didn't mean anything by that remark. It's Latin, it's _supposed_ to sound rude! Would you shut it for a minute? I'm trying to help here! I brought these travel guides...”

Crowley started reading from a book on the Mediterranean, but soon stopped when he heard Aziraphale approaching.

“Angel, my eyes hurt! Can you take over? Houdini needs more info on his new home...”

Aziraphale sighed, and waved a comfortable stool into existence. He took the book from Crowley's hands, and flicked through it. “We can skip all the stuff about cities... ah, wildlife. That should be of some interest to you.” He read from the book, to rapt attention from both demon and octopus. Crowley always looked at him like he was doing the most marvellous thing in the world when he read aloud to him.

****

It was some days later. They'd worked through half the travel books in the shop, as well as a couple on underwater photography. Aziraphale had made a mental note to expand his collection. Houdini was showing an interest in coastal South Africa, on account of the climate and lack of pulpo-craving Spaniards.

Crowley sealed the deal with a David Attenborough documentary that got Houdini wriggling with excitement. He was getting rather bored in the bathtub, and Aziraphale had given him several scoldings for splashing books when he tried to go for a wander outside of the tub.

All that was left to do next was to throw the going away party.1 Crowley spent several secretive hours in the kitchen, before emerging armed with a large tray of prawn and caviar vol-au-vents, and a brimming bucket of crabs, raw prawns, caviar and a single lobster in pride of place on top.

Crowley also provided music, of the Queen variety, and champagne, a very small splash of which was poured ceremoniously into the tub. He alternated between feeding vol-au-vents to his favourite angel, and prawns to his favourite cephalopod. They all got quite drunk, and Aziraphale nearly fell asleep on the bathroom floor. Houdini got a bit handsy with Crowley at one point, but he did assure him that he saw him purely as a friend; flailing was just what an octopus did best.

****

The next day they said a more sober farewell. Crowley kissed Houdini on the forehead, and Aziraphale gave him a warm hug. Then with a great demonic effort, Crowley sent the octopus half way across the world, and into a friendly patch of ocean.

This particular miracle seemed to take a lot out of Crowley. Aziraphale was concerned to see him moping in bed for the next three days, not sleeping but not entirely awake either. When prompted, the demon finally admitted “I miss him.”

Aziraphale gave Crowley plenty of hugs, and gentle strokes of his fingers down the demon's spine. It seemed to help a little, but Crowley was still quite miserable.

The next day, a delivery came to the shop, and Aziraphale brought the large box upstairs. Crowley watched with only a little interest as the angel slit the box open.

“I bought you something.”

It was a huge toy octopus, with long cuddly limbs. Aziraphale brought it over to the bed, and carefully arranged the tentacles so they were hugging Crowley. The demon sighed, and smiled. “I love you so much, angel.”

Covered in comforting limbs, Crowley finally drifted off to sleep.

1Crowley insisted.

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to my tentacular muse, Valvopus <3


End file.
